I buy myself a medical/lab coat from Amazon because I am told I need one. I put it on and look at myself in the mirror. I like the way it looks, but it feels like dressing up. Secret dressing up. I’m not sure I’d answer the door wearing it. So how am I going to do this healing thing that I feel I’m called to do, and keep it secret at the same time?
I wear my white coat when I practise on my Mum. I take it with me in a Next carrier bag. But just as we finish some visitors arrive. I whip it off quickly and shove it back in the bag before they see.
Goodness – I can’t be doing with this carry on every time.
Maybe I could become a volunteer with at the Aetherius Temple, where all the other healers will be wearing white coats too and I won’t feel so conspicuous. But the Aetherius Temple is a long drive from where I live. It isn’t a practical option.
Maybe I should join?
The thing is, I’ve already joined one organisation in my life – the evangelical Christian mission of which my family were members. I even became a minister within this church myself. But when I decided I really wanted a life for myself, and to be free to make my own choices, I left.
It was like the unforgiveable sin, because I’d signed up for life.
It wasn’t easy. I wrestled with the dilemma for a long time. Should I sacrifice my own desires (for a husband, a family) and put God and ‘the work’ first?
Then I heard the voice within.
Why do you find it so hard to believe I would want to give you something good?
The ‘something good’ was my freedom, my personal happiness.
This ‘word’ was enough for me. I accepted the fact that they would try (by their silent disapproval) to heap guilt upon me. I had failed, given up, abandoned the ‘good fight’ and put myself first.
I knew that God didn’t think this, but they did. And I didn’t want a repeat of this sense of failure.
Nevertheless I go along to Sunday worship at the Aetherius Temple, out of curiosity and because I genuinely liked the people I’d met.
The two lovely ladies are there. But this time they are wearing robes, as are all the others. Helen leads the worship. Behind her is a wooden cross embedded with crystals. To the left is a picture of Jesus. I recognise it as the same painting we had in our family home when I was growing up. How I loved that picture. I had spoken to that face many times. Poured my heart out and felt its loving response. To the right is a portrait of Dr George King. For this face I feel nothing. Both these figures are esteemed Ascended Masters by members of the Aetherius society. But to give them equal status?
I’m not sure how I feel about this.
During worship I am allowed to join in with one of the mantras:
Om mani padme hum. Om mani padme hum.
We had already been introduced to the use of this mantra for the purpose of distance healing at the training day.
But other mantras I can only listen to, and must not try to join in with.
There seems to be a lot of protocol. And it all seems very alien to normal everyday life.
The rules, the chanting, the robes…
The organisation to which I belonged before had a uniform. There was always internal disagreement about whether it was a bad thing because it separated us out from others, or a good thing because it identified us with a set of values and beliefs.
I don’t want to set myself apart as different anymore.
I just want to be normal.
Or as normal as is possible when you’ve decided you want to be a healer!
The Aetherius Society’s beliefs cover a wide spectrum of philosophy, religion, metaphysics and spiritual sciences, in a similar way to the Theosophy movement. Their particular focus is helping the world through dynamic prayer and spiritual healing, both incredibly worthy priorities and values I share.
I know, however, I cannot make a commitment to another organisation. I cannot take that spiritual ‘vow’.
I am grateful to the Aetherius Society for introducing me to healing, for giving me faith in myself and showing me I could do it. Through my encounter with them I met some wonderful spiritual people of real integrity who will remain life-long friends.
But I know this is not the way forward for me.
So what is?